I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
You better wish for more oil
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce