Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.