I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
You Might Also Like
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I want what they have
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.