Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere