I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.