Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Best spoiler warning ever

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

🙄😏😂🤣

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.