I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I think I’m gonna be sick
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Sunday
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Story time
Bless you
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die