I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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WHY?!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
i’m sure it’s fine
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled