I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
584.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.