I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes