I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools