Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
You Might Also Like
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
😅😅😅
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.