I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.