I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving