Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.