I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…