Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

so i’m at the stock market right

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

This could’ve been an email.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy