Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Meat Cute

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine