I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
the council will decide your fate
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My last name is Zilla.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
War & Peace
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.