I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Note to self: I am a note
“i miss shittin on people”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
😂 amazing answer
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.