Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

ㅤ

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow