Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

huge valentines day plans this year!!