I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
the icebreaker