i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑