I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
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Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this