I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Alexa turn off the planet
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”