I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”