I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now