I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I have two kinds of followers
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.