I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
fair
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.