I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”