I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
We’re all getting idioter.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.