I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect