@Marlebean

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

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@StinkyGr33n

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@TheLeslieMommy

Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*