Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first