I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!