Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

what do you want

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Hey i am sexy to you now

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.