I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Pretty certain I can more drunk
