I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.