I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.