I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint