Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

War & Peace

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.