Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

mmm onion ringos

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

I’d love this…lol

This chloroform smells expensiv…