I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Yoga Matt
