I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
You Might Also Like
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When libraries troll their patrons.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.