I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.


Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.


Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.


[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*


Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*


Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.


[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning