Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I think I have a sleeping disorder.
It’s called children
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
this is your final warning