I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

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I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper


Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.


Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal


When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence


If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die


Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*


On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.


Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos