Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.