@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

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@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@HeyZeus666

I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

@vikkaroni

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?