Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors