Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”