Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

when dads have a rap battle

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.