“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Choose your fighter
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Good morning ☺️
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
getting seasonal up in here
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.