Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

this is literally a CIA plant

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.