Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.