I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂