I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
When your man makes a valid point
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?