I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
i just found this in my phone
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed