I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :