Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder