I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”