Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Every photo I’m tagged in

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!