I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.