I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Leaving the Barbers like
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.