I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You Might Also Like
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
This is no longer winter this is harassment
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
i just found this in my phone
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.