I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.