I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Milk Cube
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?