I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You Might Also Like
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Camel dough
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude