I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
meanwhile over on facebook
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”