I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
no such thing as a dumb question
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.