I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.